Hyper Masculinity and Me

During the lecture on hyper masculinity I didn't think it really applied to me. I've never flipped off a camera as a picture was being taken and I've never considered myself to be an extremely masculine guy. I played sports and lifted weights (as a traditional masculine guy should) but even then still I recognized that I had some feminine qualities. I don't have a deep booming voice and I tend to just come off less "manly" in general. Still, though, I didn't think this lecture applied to me. I never thought about how I would shape my personality depending on the crowd I was with. Even traveling to other states and less affluent areas I believe that I was staying true to my everyday personality.

Then I got a job at a gas station working third shift. I'm alone in the middle of nowhere right off the interstate in some Podunk town. From the hours of 10pm until 6am I am responsible for this store and have to help whoever comes in. The first few nights were fine because I was being trained and had a friend with me so nothing seemed to change. That first night alone... better believe I was standing taller with my chest out and had my voice lowered just a little bit. I'm not in the position to say no to a robbery, but I don't want any of them to think that this would be an easy target.

I spend a majority of my time at work not doing anything. I mean it's a gas station and there's only so much I can do. So I usually sit behind the counter and read or do homework. With homework it isn't a big deal if a customer sees what I am doing. When I'm reading, though, I began to notice myself being sure to put the books at a place where they couldn't be noticed or questioned when a customer walks in. The books I tend to read aren't always  a super action packed sci-fi adventure story. Sometimes I like to read a story about a boy and a girl. But I still find myself putting the book in a spot that it can't be examined and therefore questioned by a customer.

I don't want to come off as soft. So I don't want to explain that I'm reading the latest John Green novel about two dying cancer patients in love (if you haven't you should totally read TFiOS and everything else he's written). Because that's going to give off a softness to me and I don't want customers to think I can be taken advantage of. Based on a book I'm reading. Which sounds incredibly ridiculous as I type it out now, but, still, in the moment... it's a real feeling.